I’m Going to See My Family, and I Need to Mentally Prepare Myself: A First-Generation Perspective
My flight is booked. My mom already asked what time I’ll land. And somehow, even though I love them, I can already feel my body tensing.
Every trip home I tell myself: “Its going to be different. This time, I will stay grounded. I won’t let their little comments get under my skin, I’ll breathe before reacting. But before the plane takes off, I’m already dysregulated; I am mentally preparing for the worst, since the worst is the most normal.
If you are child of immigrants like me or a first generation American, you probably know this feeling all too well. Going to see your family isn’t just about taking the time off work or school, or making the trip itself.
Its about returning to the patterns and dynamics that shaped the person you are today, knowing that It is both beautiful and in many ways, painful.
When we visit our families, we step back into an emotional world that created our first understanding of love, obligation, and belonging. Many of us who experience this hold such gratefulness for all the sacrifices, both past and present, our families made, but it doesn’t change the continous dynamics that occur in our families. The relationships that shaped us are also the ones that impacted how we view our own emotions.
Some of us learned to suppress the emotions: We learn culturally: “don’t talk back” and the emotional weight It carries. These forms of relationship trauma do not always come from cruelty, but from the need to survive in a country where our parents and caregivers were not born.
As a first generation child or child of immigrants, many of us hold so many roles in our families. We may be the interpreter, the problem solver, the mediator, the one who “makes our family proud”. Maybe you were taught to minimize your feelings in order to minimize the stress of your elders (your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). Maybe you learned peace is not only easier, but mattered more than honesty.
These themes and patterns run deep. When we return, we step back into the emotional roles that once kept us safe. Our adult selves know we are now adults, but our nervous systems (and bodies overall) remember the old stories and scripts we follow.
This explains why you might feel your body tense up: your jaw tighten when someone comments on your weight, hair, or clothing choice, your stomach sink when someone asks, “When are you having another baby?” or “When are you getting married? All your cousins are married now!”
It’s not solely irritation, its your body recognizing a threat to belonging. Recognizing what your body is telling you is the important first step.
Before getting on the plane or even leaving my home, I’ve learned the importance of checking in with myself; not with the intention of controlling what happens, but to show compassion for the parts of myself that want to be seen and fully accepted.
Here are some steps that help me prepare:
Check expectations
I work to remind myself that my family may not speak the same emotional language I do now, but It does not mean they don’t care. I only control my words, behaviors, and how I show up, not how they respond.
Set micro-boundaries
I decide, before walking in the door, what is off limits for discussion. I decide the amount of time I stay and prepare to have my support system ready and available (via text, Facetime, or even a few deep breaths in the bathroom)
Prioritize rest rather than just surviving and recovery
The goal is not to just survive the trip. For many of us, the goal is to have moments to reconnect with our families of origin. This looks like laughing with my cousins, taking a walk in the neighborhood, or watching tv with my parents. These decision s remind me that I can make decision that support my wellbeing regardless of who I am around or what they say.
Even though these steps are not always perfect, they help me stay connected to myself and continually check in with what I need.
For those of us who choose to continue relationships with our families or generally have healthy relationships, we can work to maintain these relationships without betraying ourselves. We can redefine and set a new example of what healthy connection can look like ini our families. This can look like:
Responding with curiosity
Firmly and clearly saying what will and will not work
Choosing what need to be addressed now, versus what needs to be addressed once you are back in your own space.
The person you were before your healing journey(whether its been in therapy or not) does not need to be explained, unless you feel open and ready to. It is not a requirement for healing through familial trauma.
Once I get back to Colorado, I find that I have a mix of emotions: sadness, guilt, and a bit of relief. I know my nervous system needs time to recover and replay conversations. When I find myself in this mental space I have to ask myself:
What did I handle differently this time? What patterns did I repeat?
What part of me still needs some care? What do I need to repair for?
What boundaries was I able to hold? Which were unable to be held?
Healing relationship trauma doesn’t mean familial interactions get any easier. It means that you are more in tune with yourself: you notice faster, repair sooner, and practice more forgiveness with yourself.
Preparing to see those we love isn’t a weakness, It is a manifestation of the wisdom we continue to gain. It’s a combination of loving your family and protecting your energy.
For those who were raised in two different worlds, the ways we show up change the patterns that we teach to future generations. It is incredibly important work.
So as you get ready to see yours: be sure to drink lots of water, take a deep breath, and remember that multiple things can be true at the same time: we can honor where we came from and choose who we become.
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